


I’m not okay (I promise)

by gay_depressed_emo_girl



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Allison Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Diego Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Luther Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Mental Health Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Other, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, allison angst, ben watching, diego self harm, five body dysphoria, klaus suicidal, luther has an eating disorder, the siblings are doing not very well, vanya being depressed and gAY
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:48:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28327083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gay_depressed_emo_girl/pseuds/gay_depressed_emo_girl
Summary: Number one was supposed to be perfect. He wasn’t. Luther had become a monster on the inside as on the outside.Number two was supposed to be tough. He wasn’t. Diego had become a mess not able to handle his emotions, simply pathetic.Number three was supposed to be powerful and kind and loving and caring. She wasn’t. Allison had become the things she once despised.Number four was supposed to live up to his potential. He didn’t. Klaus had lost everything even the will to continue.Number five was supposed to save the world. He cannot succeed. Five tried but ended up like this. Unacceptable.Number six was supposed to be there. He wasn’t. Ben cannot even save his own brother.Number seven was supposed to be ignored. She was just ordinary. Vanya was slowly disappearing, but does anyone care?
Kudos: 14





	1. Number one

**Number one:**

Four years. Wasted. An apocalypse. Caused by him. Him trying to do the right thing. Him trying to live up to his father’s standards. To be his brave soldier. The soldier he wanted him to be. Him being not good enough. Him never being the number one, the leader. Him only being a burden. Him being Luther Hargreeves.

Hate. The only thing he could feel was hate. It is such a strong emotion coloring the colorful things a repelling kind of black. Even though Luther had tons of this hatred weighing him down he didn’t really feel like he deserved anything else. It was supposed to be this way. He deserved to hate, to despise himself, after all the things he’d done. Luther hated everything about this monster. The monster that he encountered in his reflection. Ridiculously humongous. Hairy. And last but not least dumb. Dumb to believe that someone as perfect as Allison, as graceful as Allison could love or even just like someone as unattractive and clearly cold hearted as him. Stupid to believe his father’s words. To believe that he was the Number one of the Hargreeves family. At the end of the day even his dad couldn’t stand the sight of the monster his once so perfect boy had become either.   
Since he and his siblings came back to 2019 these thoughts were growing louder and louder in Luther’s head. He decided to stay at the house, their former home. The days passed. His siblings moved on. Luther couldn’t. He felt like this guilt was freezing his possible freedom away. So the only thing he had to think about was himself. The seed for the now unbearable hatred and pain had been planted. Luther felt numb. His days consisted of eating and thinking. Eating and hating. Eating and despising. Eating to purge. He discovered the latter a few weeks ago. It was after he had decided to take a quick shower. The towel that he hung over the bathroom mirror had moved and accidentally revealed an unbearably repelling and equally disgusting reflection. All these calories that he had been taking in since his siblings left, all this food had begun to leave marks on his already monstrous body. His abs were covered in a thin layer of fat, just like his arms and thighs, but for Luther who was used to being the sporty and strong one, his reflection resembled the deadly sin gluttony more. The picture was becoming blurry as tears started to form in Luthers eyes. He felt so disgusting that the idea of vomiting out every single nutrient and calorie that had led to his body transforming into an even uglier monster, felt obnoxiously right. Instinctively he kneeled down in front of the nearby toilet and shoved two massive fingers down his throat. He gagged loudly but had to try another few times until actually purging it all out. All of his misdeeds. All of this ugliness. All of the horrible things he had done. For the first time in weeks he felt oddly alive. At this point it was clear to Luther, that this wasn’t about to be the last time he cleared himself from everything. It definitely wasn’t. Over the following two weeks he decided to go on a strict diet. At first he succeeded, but after about six days without food his ape body took over his mind and he binged. Thankfully he knew immediately how to save his current success of the 9.5 pounds he had already lost from becoming a waste of time and suffering: this time the vomiting reflex saved him even faster then the last time. The feeling of relief settled in and his mind was slowly calming down. This went on for nearly two months. No one noticed cause no one actually cared. Luther was also well aware of that. Nothing changed except for his face growing awfully pale and his energy daily arriving at a new low. Not even his reflection became less repelling to the spaceboy, which filled his head with even more contempt. It went on until someone called, which in itself was very unusual. Luther decided that he didn’t deserve to talk to anybody. He was afraid to hurt the person on the phone. Still he let the caller leave a message. It was Allison. In a shaky voice she explained that a rumor had caused a row of bad things she really needed to talk about to somebody. Luther noticed quickly that this situation was serious. Allison rarely cried. She was always strong and powerful. Then the realization hit him. She wanted him to help her. She wanted to visit. She was searching comfort in hell. Slowly panicking he picked up the phone. “Allison what’s going on? What happened?” He hoarsely asked. “*this os an automatically generated answer by: Allison Hargreeves*! I would consider said matter to better be discussed with the whole family. I was thinking that maybe we could have a gathering next week since this is of really huge importance.” Allison informed quickly just before hanging up, clearly not wanting to have a longer conversation on the phone. A gathering? That didn’t sound very positive to him. Seeing their faces. Disappointment is all they would be able to show him. Luther wasn’t sure if he could take that. A wave of dizziness hit him as he tried to stand up so he decided to take a shower and process Allisons words. Everyone would come. Everyone would see him in this disgusting state. Everyone would pity him for his poor state of mind. They would pity him for not even being able to control his appetite properly. On the other hand they wouldn’t be coming for him. God he was so selfish. Always thinking about himself without realizing that this monster was nothing but hopeless. A hot tear escaped his eye. Luther didn’t care. Allison needed him, even if he knew he wouldn’t be much of a help she was ought to be the center of attention regarding his worries right now. He would try his best to comfort her. In addition to that he still had a week to prepare himself and the house itself. A week to get a bit closer to his former self. On the inside as on the outside. He had failed to protect from whatever was bothering her and now he had to face the consequences.

He really tried everything. During this week he didn’t let himself slip once. Luther found that a run around the house or generally doing sports could perfectly distract his animal instincts to binge. He also simply stopped going grocery shopping. Not that it was much of a thing he did consciously before. Especially through running he was able to blend everything out. He was able to focus on the idea of comforting Allison the best way possible. On the other hand this method also brought unpleasant side effects... After the first day he already started to feel more lightheaded than usually and when he finally fell asleep it felt more like passing out to him. He also suffered a constant headache and when he moved too quickly the waves of dizziness were barely bearable. Nevertheless his reflection didn’t seem to change much.   
Klaus was the first one. Luther had just come back from his morning run. It usually made him feel nearly as alive as when he purged, but today his energy seemed to be too low to let him enjoy anything. He felt extraordinarily dizzy and exhausted so he decided to return earlier in order to drink something. He needed to be cognitively fully there for Allison. God knows what else happened to her throughout this week. This is how he went straight to the kitchen after entering the gates of “hell”. He had to down two glasses of water and even eat four grapes (the only eatable thing he kept to prevent passing out) to notice him. Klaus was sitting on the table watching Luther in amazement. He was wearing a bright pink crop top and a flowy rainbow skirt with flowers stitched on as well as dark eyeliner around his greenish eyes that looked much healthier than the last time Luther saw him. “Klaus you... are early. What happened? Do you need something? Also do you know what happened to... uhm Allison?”, Luther more or less stuttered hoarsely. He now regretted eating these damn grapes. Klaus was probably astonished at how much Luther had changed. At how much uglier he’d become. He maybe was also feeling disgusted to see a fat creature like him already indulge this early in the morning. Luther felt extremely nauseous, wanting to purge and gag it all out immediately. “I just was in the area. In fact I actually arrived yesterday evening and am feeling greater than ever since I’ve come clean of “poisoning myself” *light chuckle*. You were already asleep so I decided on doing the same. On the other hand I should be asking you what the hell happened! You look like Mr. Waspawick with whom I’ve been playing cards a few weeks ago... and he starved to death! He’s never missing an opportunity to tell me that every single time I eat... Anyway what I’m trying to say is that you look sick man! Are you sure you’re alright?” Klaus asked worriedly. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be? In addition to that today is not about me it’s about Allison and her problem. It sounded very serious” Luther answered slightly slurring his words. “If you say so.” Klaus jumped off the table. “Diego called while you were out. He’ll be around in, let me check (Klaus pulled out a small phone) right now. *another chuckle*” The background of his phone showed a black and white photo of a soldier and Klaus right next to two dog marks. Dave. Klaus had lost so much more than him and still seemed happier. Of course he was happier. It wasn’t his fault. *sound of a knife breaking through wood*. “Coming” Klaus shouted and then hurried to the front door. Luther followed calmly a little lost in thought. He reminded him of a man that starved to death? Even if he looked like this? “Klaus! ‘S nice to see you so sober. You really look good man!!” To everyone’s astonishment Diego, who was surprisingly enough not wearing his usual black suit for once, but a nice grayish t-shirt with brown cuffed pants and black doc martens, spontaneously decided to hug his usually so broken brother. “YAY I feel honored Diego, really! You too are looking as great as usually.” Luther stood awkwardly a few steps away from them. When they finally split (even though Klaus wasn’t very amused) Diegos brown eyes caught Luther. They slowly scanned him before resting on the taller mans dull eyes. Luthers heart was beating fast. He felt like he was about to explode from the pressure this examination seemed to be putting on him. Diego looked... disappointed? Disgusted? Repelled? Probably all of these things. “Luther?? Is it you? The man with a biceps as big as a trunk?” “I was also shocked.” Klaus threw in “What the hell are you guys talking about?” “Have you lost weight big boy? You resemble...a starving.... monkey...” Luther punched him, lighter than expected “a starving monkey? Guys you should really get yourselves some pairs of glasses. I’m okay”. He wasn’t. He knew that. Still this awkwardness was nothing an equally awkward smile couldn’t fix. When Klaus broke the silence in which Diego decided to intensify his staring, through excusing himself to the kitchen to find something to eat Diego hungrily followed leaving his eyes fixed on number one who stayed at this exact spot. But he didn’t look like he lost weight, did he? “I’ll join you in a sec” he called out just before heading to the nearest bathroom. After locking twice he started opening one drawer after another searching for the only thing that could provide answers: a scale. A few seconds later he was already awkwardly standing on a ridiculously small one, compared to his now bare feet. The last time he used that thing was right after being transformed into this monster. Back then he weighed ridiculous 450 pounds. Back then he was somehow okay with this, but thinking back he should’ve started dieting way earlier. “200” he whispered under his breath. A mixture of joy and confusion filled his head. Worry was nowhere to find. He only weighed half as much as his former self. Half as much of a monster. His weight was now in a “normal” range. How could that be possible if every time checked his reflection after showering he could clearly pinch and poke his fat? Still not good enough a tiny voice in his head answered. “Hello?” Vanya called out from the front door. Hurriedly he put his clothes back on to open the door, which was already done by Five who teleported himself inside. A little too hurriedly actually. A wave of dizziness brushed by and he could barely hold himself up on the nearby banister. “Are you alright?” Vanya, dressed in a blue flannel and a pair of jeans, called out while rushing in his direction. “Why is everyone so worried today? Of course I’m fine!” Just then the last one of the siblings entered: Allison. She was dressed all black. Eyes red and puffy from crying. She nodded to her siblings and even went to the kitchen to get Klaus and Diego. Silently she waved them to the living room and sat down on the sofa. “You’re acting odd! What the hell is all of this about? I had to cancel an important meeting with Dolores for this, better make it quick” “Five please” Vanya hushed. “Nono it’s fine. He’s right I should just spit it out right? *heavy breathing and a long pause* I killed Claire. *blank staring without meeting her siblings eyes* Not intentionally of course but it was my fault. I-I..I just missed her so much. I had to see her! The only way to do that was to rumor my way into her, our former home. The one that her father kicked me out of. He luckily wasn’t there. She later told me that he went grocery shopping or something... We were playing around laughing and I was telling her stories when all of a sudden he came home. *lound sobbing*” “It’s okay Allison, take your time.” Klaus hugged her. “I don’t remember much just a fight and suddenly there was a gun pointed at me and I tried to rumor him but he just pulled the trigger. *silence filled with sobs* She tried to save me. She didn’t deserve this. I was the one who should’ve died. I was supposed to be in that coffin they buried this morning not Clai-re *uncontrolable sobs*” Allison looked so broken. So hopeless. Luther decided on joining Klaus hug, just as the other siblings did. “I killed the most innocent person on this entire planet! I killed her” Allisons screamed silently. “It wasn’t your fault Allison. You’re the purest and kindest person on earth! You cannot physically do anything wrong! You are full of love and grace, god you even loved a cold hearted beast like me. Claire died because you were worthy of being saved. She died a hero Allison. We will all miss her and the pain will never fully go away but the memories will stay. She wouldn’t want to see her mommy sad, would she?” “Luther is right, but remember that we’ll always be here for you.” Vanya added in tears “a-l-lwa-y-ways” Diego stuttered still in shock. They stayed in this hug for a long while. After about an hour of reassuring words and hugs Allison admitted to be feeling pretty hungry so Luther, who was trying hard to ignore his body’s reaction to the word food, scooped her up, which was a little harder than usually and brought her to the kitchen. “No need to bring her in there big boy, for some reason you got nothing but some grapes in your fridge. Getting odder with the years, huh?” Diego had been able to regain focus, compressing the stuttering. “No worries I’ll get some pizza. Vanya, would you like to join?” Klaus asked already on his way to grab a big jacket with a leopard print. “Of course” Vanya also left the kitchen. Allison was snoring softly, looking horribly exhausted, in Luthers arms, which were resting on his legs, as he wasn’t strong enough to support her weight while standing anymore. Five mustered him. “Before you too ask an annoying question: I’m fine, alright?!” “Yeah sure. Diego, would you please grab Allison a blanket” Five reacted sassily. “Have you stayed here since we’re back? Luther all alone -again. Why haven’t you’ve been eating anything?” Five placed a chair right in front of Luthers to sit on it in a position that was probably intended to look intimidating. “What makes you assume such nonsense? Of course I’ve been eating. Remember my ape body needs it. Now shush Allison just fell asleep and in case you haven’t noticed she needs it” *Small pause of silence and further staring* “No you haven’t. I’m not stupid Luther. In fact I’m the only one smart enough to realize that neither your fridge nor your garbage bin contained anything at all since, let me guess: a few weeks, maybe a month.” “You’re a crazy old man, you know that” his face was burning. “If I’m so wrong than would you care explaining to me why you lost this huge amount of weight accompanied with your strength?” “That is none of your business, but if you worry so much about my wellbeing: I haven’t been exercising a lot lately. That’s why I probably reduced in muscle mass to say it in your language Five” “you have been exercising. In fact even excessively, but if you deny everything so strongly you may as well have some pizza with us, huh?” Now Luther could clearly feel his panic rising steadily. His work wasn’t done. He didn’t change. He couldn’t possibly let this happen. Everything gone for good. What the hell was wrong with him? It was just pizza after all, wasn’t it. He couldn’t let anyone know about this. They would see even clearer how he failed once again. Luther started breathing slightly quicker. It was barely noticeable. Five noticed. “Are we having a panic attack over some pizza?” “You really are an asshole old man.” “We’re ba-ack” Klaus sung loudly. “Oh am I, well let’s see” with that Five successfully ended their little conversation. At that moment Diego reentered the kitchen holding a ridiculous amount of blankets and pillows accompanied with a blow up mattress. “Would you mind helping me big boy. ‘S kinda heavy yknow” “I’m awake and willing to help too. Luther, you’re arms really lost their “comfortness”.” Allison remarked slurrishly. “Uhm, sorry I guess. You don’t move okay? Grab some pizza and let me prepare your stay. Diego you too. You seemed hungry the entire time.” of course this wasn’t about blowing up a stupid mattress. It was about avoiding the thing Five dared him to do. Sadly he noticed that too. Immediately after Luther left the kitchen, the prepubescent looking grown up excuses himself to the bathroom to teleport himself right into his taller brothers way. “Where do you think you’re going Luther? You do know that this pathetic escape plan is slightly proving my suspicion regarding your eating habits” “Actually I was just intending to prepare Allisons bed in the living room. In case you also missed that she is even too heartbroken to simply sleep in her own room Five” “Mind if I join” Luther denied immediately, sadly only in his thoughts since he decided not to answer. His intellectual brother was really getting on his nerves. In addition to that his vision was getting blurrier again. They kept awkwardly walking for a bit, Five keeping his eyes on Luther, which made him even more nervous. Fuck it he whispered to himself and stopped walking “What was that?” “You know what I could have some pizza before preparing everything, you’re right” with that Luther turned around in the direction of the kitchen. A wave of dizziness hit the tall man, which led to him having to take a few moments in order to regain focus. “Low energy and dizziness. Comes with the no food thing” “just shut up, I haven’t really slept well”   
Five and Luther entered the kitchen “Luther here decided on joining our little dinner, but don’t worry your mattress will still be ready in time” Five declared. “It’s okay. You look like you need it.” Allison reacted while chewing hungrily. In reality she just sounded neutral. In reality even she noticed how ill her brother was looking. Luther wasn’t in reality anymore. For him her comment sounded mocking. For him she sounded contemned. The nausea from earlier was now reappearing even stronger. He would rather jump out of the highest building or swallow a thousand pills to end it all than eat. “You really are odder today ape boy. You’re making me nervous, sit down!” Diego ordered. That caused his trance to break a bit. Hurriedly and trying to ignore the voice in his head screaming and begging him to do anything but consume food, to do anything but get even fatter and uglier, Luther sat down. Vanya stood up to get him a plate and a slice of the delicious smelling Magherita Pizza, since her brother just started but didn’t move. A few months ago he would’ve eaten two family sized versions of this pizza and still have room for desert, but something seemed to have changed. He thanked her and she continued eating. “Commander Luther, you shall immediately return from wherever you are in your thoughts, probably on the moon and eat -over and out *light chuckle*” Klaus joked. He received some giggles and an apology from Luther who hesitatingly took a small bite. The rich flavors and nutrients caused his animal instincts, that he despised and truly hated so much to kick in. He immediately started taking one huge bite after another until the slice disappeared. This was bad. Horrible to be precise. Furthermore the fact that he wasn’t feeling even close to satisfied let his disgust rise to an unbearable point. He wanted to puke it all out right now. He wanted to save himself. “Man you were very hungry, I mean you practically downed that thing in two bite-” Diego started “I’m just gonna head to the bathroom real quick everyone. Be right back”. Luther nearly ran to the closest restroom right after he made sure he was out of his siblings sight. Hurriedly he locked the door slowly panicking how much fat and calories his body may have already taken in at this point. The monstrous man kneeled down in front of the toilet just to aggressively shove two thick fingers down his throat. He gagged loudly not worrying if the others may hear him or not. The only thing he could think of was his hate. His disgust. His father’s disappointment. Everybody’s contempt. After another two attempts he finally succeeded. Everything just came out of him. All of these thoughts. All of this pain. Why was he that way? Why did he try so hard but never archive? Why is he so broken? He wanted to feel numb. He wanted to feel nothing. He wanted it all to get out. Just as he shoved his fingers down again he heard a voice “Luther I’m coming in now” Number one didn’t care. A wave of dizziness hit him, harder than the last times. His head was pounding loudly and his vision was blurry. Five teleported himself inside to unlock the door for the others. They all locked shocked, especially Allison who was bursting into tears. “I-I’m so-rry” he vomited again just before losing consciousness and hitting the cold floor. “Luther” everyone screamed. “Y-you b-b-bri-brin-g Alli-son a-wa-way f-f-from here Fi-ve.” Diego stuttered. “Luther! Why did you do this? What happened? Luther!! Can you hear me?!” A fat tear was running down Klaus cheek smudging his makeup. “Luther?!! Someone please get mom!” Vanya rushed to her brothers checking Luthers pulse. “His pulse seems dangerously slow, Diego NOW!” Awaking from his shock the long haired man sprinted to Grace’s charging spot. She was tied to her chair.   
He awoke to bright lights. An IV was dripping next to him. He felt so weak. The first thing he realized was that the clothes, that usually covered his torso, arms and hands, the shield that he kept to protect the world from the unbearable sight of himself, had been ripped off. In disgust he looked down at himself, panicky pulling a white sheet up to his neck. After a few seconds of uncertainty, the late events hit him like a truck. “Luther? He’s awake guys!” Vanya called out. She Diego and Klaus must’ve stayed here the entire time. “I’m so sorry” Luther whispered hoarsely. “Who did this to you? Who poisoned you? Do you have the adress of this bitch?” Diego asked while standing up from his chair, ready to fight. “Diego what the hell. I was trying to slee- wait Luther!” Klaus hugged his gaunt looking brother without hesitation. “Go on. Who did this to you? Also who forced Mom to stay at her charging spot?” Luther didn’t really know what to answer to that. It was him. He messed it all up, again. Just as Vanya wanted to add something to this overall awkward situation, Five entered. “Allison is still asleep. She cried a lot and must be really exhausted. Would you mind checking on her for a bit” he nodded to Vanya who followed his instructions with an expression of worry. Now the boy turned to Diego “I believe that there is no one we can punish for Luthers condition.” “Stop Five! Stop examining me like some experiment of yours. I’m absolutely fine! It was just a lot and Claire was important to me too and-” the words were just spilling out of him. He was so angry. Angry at Five. At the world. At his body. At his father, but mostly at himself. “so you forced yourself to throw up? Doesn’t sound very logic to me” “Wait what?” It would be an understatement to say that Diego was extremely confused. “Five, would you mind talking a bit clearer? Luther did what?” “He-” “I did my best. I tried so hard. I tried so hard to be less of a burden to all of you and I failed again. I- I, just look at me!” He weakly pulled the sheet down to uncover his upper body. “I cannot even control my appetite! Every time I felt depressed or just sad I ate. Gosh you were there! You saw my state in the 60s didn’t you? Stuffing this stupid kind of animal I’ve become full with fats and calories. I’ve done so many things wrong, I try to be strong and do the right thing, when I’m nothing, absolutely nothing but a fat, ugly, useless, ridiculously huge beast. I tried so hard. I managed the pain, but am still never enough. I’m so sorry I-I...” Luther pressed his enormous palms against his eyes to keep himself from crying. He used up too much energy for that little uncontrollable flood of feelings. He was too exhausted. Still he refused to meet his siblings eyes. “Oh no Luther. Calm down, everything is gonna be alrighty. Shh” Klaus tried to sooth him. “See Diego. He did this to himself” Five added. “He’s right silly. The only thing your brave heart could punish would be his thoughts. Luther is suffering from a severe state of depression accompanied by a combination of both bulimia and anorexia. All in all illnesses that can end deadly. My poor boy” Grace had entered the room with explaining words. “You guys are crazy! I’m not some depressed teenage girl. I’m a monster. I deserve nothing better for the things I’ve done. Could you please just leave me alone now?” “If what they’re saying is true, I-I, man she said this is d-e-dea-deadly. How much w-we-weigh-ght ha-have y-you lost? Whe-when was th-the l-la-s-last time y-ou a-te some-thi-thing?” Diego stuttered out on the verge of tears. Luther felt horrible. He made his brother cry. He disappointed them again. What was wrong with him? Why was he so messed up? “Calm down Diego! Gosh you’re shaking Luther, what’s going on inside your head?” Klaus felt the need to suppress his own emotions in order to stay strong now. Luther looked horrible. The bare thought of him forcing himself to vomit, to go through so much pain, in order to be good enough somehow felt familiar to him. Seeing his big brother so weak, passed out on the floor in his own puke, made it hard to ignore the urge to cry. To cry out how unfair this was. How unfair they’re sheer existence was. He needed to be strong now. Both Luther and Allison, the once so happy couple were going through an extraordinarily tough time. They all just needed to stay strong. “I’m so sorry. I can’t tell you” Luther still refused to meet his siblings eyes. “why’s that?” Five tried to hide the fact that he cared through his edginess, but was worried immensely. “I’m not done. You will force me to eat. You will force me to get even fatter. Just give me some more time. Time is the only thing that can make something worthy out of this monster you’re looking at.” Diego put a hand on his mouth in shock “You don’t see it do you? You don’t see what this is doing to you, this addiction? I know an addict when there’s one in front of me, trust that” Klaus sounded so sad, slurring his words slightly. “But you can get better! Believe me!” “Lu-ther thi-this ‘s kill-lli-killing you! Ju-ust l-loo-look at yo-ou-ryour to-rso.” “Picture the word in your head sweetie” Grace threw in “I-I c-can c-cou-count y-our ribs. Look at y-you” Diego was now fully back to stuttering uncontrollably. “200” Luther whispered. “No fucking wonder that you look like that! Now when was the last time you ate something, that actually stayed in your stomach?” “This attitude isn’t helping Five!” Grace threw in. “I can’t remember. Actually” “That’s i-it y-ou will eat some-so-me-thi-n-thing now!” “Don’t worry I’ll make sure Diego picks something you like dear, alright?” “I’ll join too. This idiot probably can’t even spell the word calorie...” The three left. “Gosh Five is such an asshole” Klaus chuckled. “Imma check on Vanya and Allison, promise me you won’t move big b- no actually awfully skinny and sad boy... anyway be right back” Klaus informed while slowly leaving. When the door shut Luther was alone again with his thoughts. He was crying now. Pathetic. Not worthy of his father’s attention. Not worthy of his siblings worry. Not worthy to be alive. Luther wanted to disappear so badly. He wanted to vanish into nothingness. Everyone knew now. If he just hadn’t been so stupid. He could’ve excused himself to go for his late noon run and then simply burned all these nasty calories. Now he was about to take in even more fatteners. God he messed up greatly on this one. “Get yourself together” he could practically hear his dad scream at him. He tried. Tears were escaping his eyes uncontrollably. This is when he spotted the IV once again. It’s full of calories and fat and nutrients and things you don’t deserve, a small voice in his head whispered. Not fully himself he ripped it out of his arm immediately. Then, an idea popped into his foggy mind. Sports. Sport was usually the answer to the longing for food. With immediate attention he started stretching himself. A few moments later his super strength allowed him to rip the tube out of the IV that was now rapidly emptying itself, and use it as some kind of skipping rope. Thankfully it was long enough for his tall body. Just as the hours, days and months before he started his routine. For one small amount of time he could forget everything. The idea and the feeling of losing weight was calming his mind immensely. No one or nothing could stop him now. “I SAID DO NOT MOVE!” Klaus screamed while running into his brother’s direction. Luther, who has been jogging around his bed for about twenty minutes after two sessions of robe skipping and some stretching here and there, was sloes starting to feel nauseous again. Just as Klaus entered a wave of dizziness overcame him. He could feel how his mind shut down only seconds before his body followed the example. Klaus first reaction was to scream. There was blood everywhere dripping from his brother’s arms. “HELP WE NEED HELP!!!” As fast as he could he kneeled down next to his brother and tried to slap him lightly “Luther? Hey Luther, can you hear me?! LUTHER” He was only away for 45min comforting Allison who had been worried sick regarding her brother’s wellbeing. Diego was the first one “What the hell happe- Oh my fucking god MOM!” Without saying a word the robot easily stabilized her “son”, who was now being tied to his bed by Diego.  
“We should’ve done this in the first place” “I’m waiting for the day your prepubescent body finally grows a mustache and you start wearing your monocle, dad” Klaus hissed into Fives direction. “Drop it guys” Allison was there. Her voice sounded soft and tender, but also hoarse and heartbreakingly sad. “Allison is right. This is far more serious than I thought. We have to find out why he did this to himself to help him recover properly” Vanya whispered. “We cannot wait until dear old Luther tells us what the hell is wrong with him. He’s mentally ill you imbeciles (french for idiots). He’s mentally ill and malnourished.” Five whisper-shouted. “Then what do you suggest old crazy bastard, hm?” Diego answered. “Kids! Calm down! From the medical perspective it wouldn’t be a bad idea to insert a feeding tu-” Grace calmly started. Luther suddenly awoke “A what?!” “Deary your awake. It would be the best for you. I promise you it won’t hurt, alright?” “I’m a grown man. To be exact half man half freaking monkey and I can make my own decisions, alRIGHT?” “Luther it’s not good for you to use up so much energy. Calm the fuck down” Diego said while pressing his fingers against the space between his eyebrows. The fact that Number one just noticed that he was tied to his bed now, did not really help with that though. "Luther. Luther listen to me, okay? You are very ill. I cannot lose another person that is so important to me right now. I honestly am not sure if I could take that." Allison softly spoke after cupping her former lover's face into her hands, in order to make their eyes meet. He was important to her? "Stop lying Allison. I'm not important to anyone. I've never really lived, I have stayed to please dad, but I greatly failed. I hurt you. All of you. God, I even hate myself, how could a person so innocent and wholesome love me?" He let his thoughts take over his words. It did not matter anyway. Ashamed of himself he looked down. Allison bursted into tears and buried her face in Luthers neck. "I love you. I care about you. We all do and you are worthy of that." she choked out between sobs. "Please, stop hurting youself."

He listened to their words. He listen and for the first time in years, he believed them. He believed that they cared. He believed that they loved him, just as much as he loved them. He agreed to get better. For them. It was hard but the feeling to make the people he loved proud was worth the pain. He sometimes feels like slipping. His demons are smaller today, but will always be present, still: every time he feels that was, like puking and starving and hurting, he's not alone.

In case you suffer too, do not hesitate. This life is not yours. It belongs to the people around you. The people who love you. Recovery is hard, I know, but it's woth it. Just keep fighting darling, just keep fighting!

[Lifeline (suicidepreventionlifeline.org)](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)

or just text me on instagram: sherlock.violoncello


	2. Number two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: the chapters do not directly work together. ‘S just some fine ass angst I like to write instead of being self destructive, if you know what I mean...

**Number two:**

Pathetic. Disappointing. Not even able to speak fluently. Not ever able to meet his father’s expectations. Hated. Stupid. Used. Trying to be a hero, but failing greatly. What kind of hero, is he to lose so often? “Get yourself together Number two.” Focus Diego.   
  


Feelings. The most beautiful things on earth, but also the most destructive and hurtful one. He trusted her. Diego loved her. Lila seemed to actually get him. To understand his feelings. To understand his actions. It wasn’t the first time he loved, but maybe the last one. He felt so home. For the first time in his life. It was all a lie. Everything. Her affection. Her soothing words. Her touches. She sold him. Diego lost the great game of life, once again. Now they were back. Back in 2019, without a trace of her vanilla smell. His only comfort. Back again he was faced with the reality he left behind. Eudora Patch was dead. Killed by the people he spared, unsure if that was the right thing to do. God, he didn’t really know anything lately. Not even what this life’s purpose originally was anymore. After wiping himself clean from the police’s accuses, he had started working for them again. For the greater good. For the innocent. To be the hero. Diego hoped that this could help him regain some reality and joy. He hoped for colors.   
The first month, he could manage it. He could manage darkness, the loneliness and the sadness in his heart, but every time he was alone, alone with the feeling of rejection, the feeling of failure and the resulting unclear but extraordinarily strong emotions, there was nothing that could distract him. When this happened and everything just overwhelmed him, he felt like drowning in this sea of emotions, this chaos of things his father urged him to ignore. He felt like drowning and gasping for air, but never like screaming for help. When these things happened to Diego, when he lost control, when he vanished from reality, there was no way out. He was so weak, crying and begging it to stop. Tears were escaping his dark eyes uncontrollably, he stopped trying to suppress it. He stopped trying to keep his head above the water and sunk. Once you let go, it’s impossible to swim back and gasp for air. Diego tried to cope with this darkness. He wanted to bottle it up and hide it from the world. One sleepless night followed the other.  
He was unfocused on his missions with the police. Unfocused enough to miss the burglar. Unfocused enough to let him kill another person. A cop. A father. A husband. A loved one. It was Diego’s fault, he knew that. His knives missed the target. His mind missed reality.   
They said it would be the best for him to regain some distance, some focus. They said he was putting other lives at risk by refusing. The punishment was still far more punishing than any of these muckety-mucks could have thought. Taking his only distraction away by forcing him into furlough. It was the best for everyone. That way he couldn’t hurt anyone.   
Diego was aware of this. He needed to get better at ignoring his emotions. God he wished so hard to be cold. Emotionless. The way his father wanted him to be. Instead he had become a softy craving for love and stuttering for help. He hated this. All of this. The latino looking man’s days started developing into weeks of crying, panicking, forgetting to eat, forgetting to sleep, trying to ladle the darkness out of the ocean with nothing but a glass, that was rather half empty than half full. The things he once enjoyed, like boxing or training, were becoming a burden. Diego felt so overwhelmed all the time, he even started praying to the person, who usually knew the answer, his dad. The man he despised so much. He begged him to make it stop. He begged him to make him feel numb.   
Then it happened. He was playing around with one of his knives. It was his favorite one since he used to control it the best. Thinking back to brighter times was both relieving and saddening. He let it slide from one hand to the other, lost in thought, when suddenly a sharp sensation awoke him. Diego looked down to encounter a rather deep cut across his hand. In fascination he watched his blood slowly dripping over the edge of his wound. A fascination he wasn’t used to. When this new emotion broke too and the pain kicked in Diego still watched the flood of the crimson liquid down his arm. His mind was totally focused on this new, physical pain, that it wiped away all the other emotions. This (compared to former wounds) small cut was letting light enter the darkness of Diego’s mind. It was piece of reality. Then the solution to his current state hit him: He could use this to cope. He could use this to forget, or even to simply ignore. With the unusual thought of excitement he stood up from his bed to clean the cut in his bathroom. He didn’t want to go back. He needed this sensation to last forever. Still a small voice tried to convince him, that this was wrong. That there must be a better way out. “There isn’t” he hoarsely replied under his breath. A few moments of brief hesitation later, Diego pulled off the dirty t-shirt he’s been wearing for the past weeks, too depressed to make the effort to change it. If he would do this he couldn’t make another mess, like the one his bloody hand left on his no longer white bedsheets. He awkwardly kneeled down in front of the bathtub, so that his upper torso touched the cold edge of it and pulled out the knife he had put into the pocket of his sweatpants. Lost in thought he stretched out his arms. He didn’t even care about the place he was about to do it, not even considering that this might be too obvious, he just wanted to feel the full force of this numbness, that was slowly fading away again, he just wanted to stop the storm that was ruling the ocean of his mind. *slowly breathing it and out* 

The knife felt cold against the skin of his lower arm, but this coldness faded when he slowly moved it to the side. With immediate action his senses were all focused and it started calming his mind once again. The pain felt both utterly and oddly soothing. In amazement he repeated this action again. And again. And again. When he stopped there were about twelve cuts covering his lower left arm. Some were overlapping, other’s were neatly placed one above the other. Blood was escaping all of them, dripping into the bathtub every few minutes. The even sound of the drops hitting his bathtub were supporting the sensation of calmness. This felt too good to be wrong. Too good to stop. For the following hours he was going through a repetitive routine of drawing crimson lines across his arms and pausing to relish every single bit of this freedom. He wanted his world to regain color and after all red was one.

After covering both of his arms with scar leaving wounds during a process of four hours Diego waited until the sharp pain dulled to clean and bandage them. After also cleaning his bathtub he went back to bed, feeling a little light headed. This was amazing. He felt so alive. For the first time in months he felt like there was hope. His arms stretched out next to his body and his mind calmed and peaceful Number two even managed to finally fall asleep. It was a dreamless sleep. A sleep he desperately needed.

The next morning his brain was functioning a bit clearer since the fog of tiredness was wiped away. After noticing a sharp pain in his right arm he abruptly awoke. It took Diego a few moments to process the late events. He had harmed himself on purpose. He craving for this mental pain to stop so much, that he purposely replaced it with physical pain. The kind of pain one could see. Did this make him even weaker? Did this make him look even more pathetic to his dad? What the HELL was wrong with him? Just about an hour awake Diego was back in his routine of horrible panic attacks. The things he bottled up through slicing open his arms were spilling out drastically. In his anger and pain he ripped of the bandages to look at what he’d done. At his brokenness. During this ripping process a few barely healed wounds started bleeding again. This time it caused Diego to panic even more, so he rushed to the bathroom and bent over his bathtub once again. Why had he done this? The answer was as much clear as illogical to him. “Focus, Diego. Focus” he pathetically tried reassuring himself. He tried to remember the sensation this pain that was now freaking him out gifted to him just a few hours before. The long haired man closed his eyes and finally focused. He focused on this numbness. It took him another thirty minutes before finally being able to clear this storm in his head. He felt so relieved. This was the way Klaus must feel. Awfully amazing. Diego had come to the conclusion that this might not be a way of coping his former self would’ve agreed upon, but it definitely was a way that worked and it was way better then continuing to suffer.   
Diego was able to suppress his panic attacks through placing cuts nearly every day all over his arms and then later his torso in less then a month. He felt so alive again. He felt so relieved. Diego didn’t even realize how he had become addicted to this strange behavior. It didn’t really matter all that much anyway. He knew he was broken, deep inside of him, but no one else needed to see that. Another week later his furlough was ought to be over. Self-confidently he assured the cops that he was better. He promised them to be back to full function. He pledged to be okay and they believed him. At the end of the day he was nothing but a good opportunity to improve their chance to keep the city safe. To get their job done easier. From a cold hearted perspective Diego meant nothing but his super power accompanied by his obvious hero complex to these people. That is how no one noticed. Beyond all these sharp eyes of cops and detectives no one noticed the utter dullness in his eyes. The hurt written all over his face. No one noticed how he faked his smiles and hid his inner chaos. No one noticed how he flinched when someone dared to put a reassuring or even an eulogistic hand on his upper arm. No one questioned how Diego looked like he hadn’t shaved in days, like he hadn’t eaten either or at least taken a shower. At the same time the usual amounts of daily cuts were becoming to little to carry away and dull out his mental pain. He was carving for more even though the cuts from the first time he did it were slowly starting to scar down below the more recent ones. It was really like some kind of drug, highly addictive. Addictive enough to force Diego to come up with new ideas to maintain this good physical pain, bottling up all of his memories of people he’d hurt and the overall darkness, every time this life raft was about to disappear in the horizon. First he stopped bandaging the cuts. That way the fabric of his suit reopened nearly healed cuts with every movement he made, sending light rockets from the sinking ship in his mind. Reviving himself. Secondly he figured that a light squeeze on deeper cuts was also perfectly able to reinforce his numbness throughout the day. God, he wanted this to last forever even though he knew, that the momentary feeling of control was fading away distressingly quick. Only one month back at work the cuts were getting deeper to be enough for him to satisfy his longings. Some of them were bleeding dangerously much which usually left him noticeably light headed. Still: he had it under control. He was Number two after all. A man with literal super powers. He could manage this; Diego told himself. Still: no one noticed.   
Even though this coping made the confrontation with his drowning stop, it continued. He was drowning unseeable for the people around him and ignored by Diego. He was drowning while the depth and number of his cuts, the frequency he used it and pressure he pressed the cold metal against his skin, started unconsciously increasing.  
One morning he was finally able to directly point a finger at the answer to the question why it was so easy to harm himself: it was hate. He hated himself. He hated himself, because everyone did. Diego felt so stupid to have ever believed something else. His Saturday morning thoughts, that were on the edge of causing a panic attack, was being interrupted by a sound. It was a knock. On his door. After hurriedly putting on something to cover himself the long haired man asked the visitor hoarsely who he was. “Calm down bro. ‘S just moi! I haven’t seen you in what feels like years so prrrease open the door. Also before you ask I’m certainly not here for money. Yknow I’ve been clean since we’re back. Well more or less, but anyway that’s not why I’m here.” Diego opened the door for about fifteen centimeters. “I’m actually quite busy Klaus. Remember hero complex *pointing at himself*” “wellll I still got some amazing news for ya. Just lemme in” his lean brother, who was wearing a bright purple cropped hoodie as well as a pair of skinny jeans, tried to convince him. “You know what, nope” a watching eye was the one thing he needed the least. He tried to close the door, but Klaus had stopped it from closing by blocking it with his knee. “Ouchie!! Yknow what Vanya had probably found Lila, but if you refuse to listen to me I’m willing to go now” Klaus spat back angrily. Diego froze. She was back? And most importantly she didn’t even cared to inform him. She must truly despise him, for his free will. For not doing what Lila wanted him to. “Hello? Hellohoo?? Diego?” Klaus made his way in. “Yuh. Uhm- wh-what had happ-ppened?” Diego didn’t even mind. “Aww you two must’ve been utterly in love, huh? I mean dear old I-know-everything better than you or even more accurate I’m-the-leader Diego only used to stutter when emotions overwhelmed him...” Klaus smirked. While slowly walking around the apartment, that looked so much more chaotic than the last time he visited, Klaus commented: “hell Diego! When was the last time you’ve cleaned eww! Even my current stay is visitor friendlier... You too by the way” “wh-what do you mean Klaus?” “What I mean? Have you sold all your mirrors? You look like a mess bro!” “Oh shut up-” “Le chagrin d’amour. Sorry for not checking on you sooner! I should’ve guessed it!” Klaus interrupted his brother to hug him. He squeezed Diego’s arms. He accidentally ripped open some of the most recent wounds. Diego flinched. “What the-?” Klaus was confused. “Not i-in th-the m-m-mood for h-hugs” “god, It’s worse than I thought. You and Lila should really have a talk. Even though she refuses to see you. Have you guys had beef or something?” “Why would I tell you?” “Because I’m your brother and I was practically born for family drama”. A few moments of silence later Diego broke in: “Are you going to tell me where she is or-?” “Okay, okay. I don’t want to end this day with a knife in my throat. She’s at the house. Grace is taking care if her. Also if it may interest you, she went to Vanya for nothing but some medical help regarding huge battle wounds. Vanya brought her to the academy and now she’s kind of recovering, etc. etc. ...” “ha-has she men-mentio-tioned a reason why she doesn’t want to see me?” “Not exactly you love sick puppy-” “what did you just call me Klaus?!” Diego pushed his brother against the wall. “Chill dude! Nothing.” “Didn’t quite sound like nothing?” “Drop it you kinda depressed looking version of Diego. Just drop it, k?”. He did. Did he really look depressed? Was his brokenness obvious to everyone around him? “Klaus you should go now. Also, would you mind to stop staring at me? It’s making m-me nerv-vous” “gosh your a literal wreck! I mean do you need a razor or something? Oh and the smELL *puts a hand in front of his nose*. You really are depressed, huh? I know I’ve been there too! Just talk to-” “to her? To the person I LOVED?! To the person who deceived me?! To the person who clearly is trying to avoid me?! *tearing up* To Li-L-i-lil-lil-lila?!” A tear was escaping his eye. “She really hurt you, didn’t she? Oh man! I was about to say, that you can talk to me. You helped me sososooo much to get sober. You saved me every time I wasn’t able to save myself.” “I’m sorry for being weak. I just can’t take this anymore. I’m clearly wasting your time with my selfish outbursts, sorry for that too...” He went from a normal sound to whispering. Klaus looked so worried. “I’m s-so happy th-that you’re sober, really, but please I’m begging you to go” “you’re not happy, don’t lie” with that Klaus left his now fully crying brother alone. “Please visit, at least!” Klaus said as a replacement of a goodbye. He knew that something was awfully wrong. He just couldn’t quite point a finger at what it was.   
As soon as he was out of the door Diego was panicking even harder. He needed control. He needed reality. He needed to think. As he rushed to the bathroom his vision was getting blurry because of the storm in his mind. He practically ripped off his sweatshirt and pulled his knife out of his pants, shaking. He hated himself so freaking much. He couldn’t even feel happy for his brother. For Klaus who had his life under control. Klaus who lost a loved one too, who even had to watch him die. 

What had he become? He wasn’t the strong and reliable Number two anymore. He was nothing. This was getting out of control. He is lost his mind over a girl that was never really interested in him. She cannot even stand his presence. Why would she? He was a nobody. A nobody that couldn’t even control himself. God, he hated this so freaking much. Angrily and out of mind Diego drew crimson lines all over himself. He continued just until his panic was slowly sinking again. Numb and extraordinarily exhausted he looked at what he’d done. Cuts were overlapping and covering his arms and torso. Some of them were bleeding harshly, blood dripping into the bathtub. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He felt like drowning again. That was when he noticed a cut, right across his right arm, which was deeper than usually. It was a large angry wound. Blood was dripping out of it too quickly. What had he done? Was this the end? His vision was getting blurrier, this time not from the longing for this strange behaviour, but because of it. He barely managed to wrap a towel around the wound, but suddenly the thought of dying started to feel comforting too. The idea to vanish. The idea to end it all. Right now, right here. After all his purpose was no longer existent. After all no one would miss a stuttering wreck with a hero complex all that much. After all he deserved this. Lila wouldn’t have left him if he would’ve been better. Stronger. Smarter. He deserved this. Diego sunk to the bathroom floor, too weak to hold himself anymore. How long had this cut been bleeding? He had no idea. No idea of anything. Just as he closed his dark eyes on the edge of passing out he heard his front door open.

Klaus couldn’t live with the thought of his brother, the brother who helped him so much, hurting. He needed to do something. He needed to stand with him through this tough time. He needed to be useful for once. Rushing back to Diego’s apartment he suddenly felt an odd pain in his stomach. Something was terribly, terribly wrong. Luckily the front door was still open. “Diego? DIEGO? Where are you?” Panicky the lean man noticed the bathroom door being slightly open. Maybe in there?; he thought. The sight that was revealed with the door, opening was unbearable. There was blood everywhere around his brother. Everywhere in the entire bathroom. What happened? Diego was laying on the floor, probably unconscious. As fast as he could Klaus got out his phone and dialed 911. Through tears he tried to explain the situation. He couldn’t lose him. Not like this. Not now. “I think *sob* my brother tried to kill himself *horrible sobbing*”

Desperately trying to help, Klaus pressed against the blood stained towel, while tears escaped his eyes constantly. The sight of so many cuts covering his brother, the brother that was usually so much stronger than him, was unbearable. He should've been there for him. He should've at least checked on Diego, but he had to cope all alone. He looked so sad and broken, Klaus wanted to scream. What did his brother do to deserve this? "DIEGO!! DIEGO PLEASE; please just w-wake up, please, just wake up, pleeease" he said to himself between sobs. Only minutes later the ambulance arrived and took both Klaus and Diego. As fast as they could they stitchted up the gaping wound on Number two's arm and drove to the nearby hospital.

Was he dead? Bright light was blending his unopened eyes. Had he made it to the end? He heard someone talking: “No I do not know why he did this. Ben, BEN shut up, please. Is this seriously all you can think of! Possessing me to provide a safer space for our brother? You know what NO! My body, my choice! Also: he’s my brother too!” the apparently two sided conversation was getting too hard to follow. It was probably just Klaus talking to Be-. Wait he wasn’t dead at all?! What happened? He decided to catch his brothers’ attention by groaning a hoarse “Good morning” and opening his tired eyes. Then the events of last night actually hit him. Klaus must’ve found him bleeding to death. He saw it all. He saw his weakness. Diego’s breathing quickened as he pulled the bedsheet up to his neck. “Diego!! It’s alright. Everything’s going to be alright. Calm down, okay” Klaus hugged him softly. “I-I-I’m-m s-s-so –s-s-sorr-ry.” Diego chocked out, turning his head towards his pillow. He wasn’t dead he was in a hospital. The panic was rising even faster. “Shhh c’mon breathe with me. Shhh it’s going to be better soon oki? In and out, in and out.” Diego felt loose. He felt like falling. He felt so embarrassed. Now everyone knew. Everyone knew how weak and pathetic the “strong” Number two actually was. Weak enough to hurt himself. Pathetic enough to drown in his own emotions. The panic was taking too much energy, so it physically lasted only a few moments but continued mentally. “Who kn-know-knows?” suddenly Klaus’ body went stiff for a split of a second “Diego, me being dead is enough for everyone to handle and since you were DYING, I forced Klaus to inform the others. After all they are your siblings too and deserve to help you through this” “B-ben. I d-d-on-don’t wa-want to g-get th-throu-through this. I can-no-not t-tak-ke th-the p-p-pain” Diego didn’t even know why he said that. He just wanted them to let go of him. To let him drown completely. A tear escaped his eye as he looked at Ben in Klaus’ body. A huffed sob escaped his lips. His eyes were completely dull. They resembled a pitch black room, filled with hurt. An expression in his Klaus’ face changed: “Fabulous you made him cry Ben!! Just fabulous!” Klaus said to an empty space. “Diego, hey *sad chuckle* Hey. Look at me. It’s going to be alright okay? We love you sososoo much! Come here brother.” As gently as he could Klaus lightly hugged his exhausted brother. Diego couldn’t handle this. He couldn’t believe them. There was no reason for their love. He disappointed them immeasurably greatly. He didn’t save them from the apocalypse. He was simply worthless, busy trying to understand his own feelings. His feelings for Lila. He was so stupid. Diego was shaking so uncontrollably hard, that Klaus feared he would shatter in his arms. “Shhh, listen to my voice okay? Listen to me. Breathe with me. In and out.” Klaus voice resembled the pain that every cuts once brought to him. It resembled the light, breaking his inner darkness. It resembled it, so Diego instinctively started clinging to it. His breathing slowly evened. He was out of the water. He wasn’t drowning anymore. “There you go.” A few moments passed. Everything was silent in Diego’s head. He was focused on Klaus soothing words of nothingness. Suddenly the hospital rooms door opened hurriedly. “DIEGO! We came as fast as we could.” It sounded like Allison. “Oh god, what happened?” Vanya asked softly. Diego immediately pushed Klaus away from him to cover his arms again with the white sheet, his eyes wide open. “Woah, okay I’ll let you go. *tiny chuckle*” Klaus reacted startled. “Wh-where’s Li-L-l-Lila?” She couldn’t see him like that. He wouldn’t be able to stand it. “At the Academy. Grace’s taking care of her. Five is somewhere and Luther was grocery shopping and is probably on his way now too. Diego what happened? Klaus told us that you nearly died!” Allison spoke as fast as softly. “Calm down Allison you need to give him some time” Vanya whisper shouted, after Diego turned away to hide the fact that his eyes were tearing up. “P-please leave m-me alone now. A-all of y-you.” Klaus nodded to his siblings as if trying to hint, that he’s going to explain the situation when they’re out. “Don’t do anything stupid Diego, we’ll be right back.” “I’m a grown man, I think I can handle myself just fine alone” he sharply snapped at Klaus, keeping his eyes tight shut. “Of course *sarcastic undertone*”. They left heads down. They seemed worried. They seemed disappointed. He just wanted it to end. The spinning to stop. He squeezed his arm. The wound that was supposed to be his savior, was now properly stitched up. He had been so close, but failed again. Why was he like this? So awfully pathetic. So disgustingly emotional. It had made him grow mad. Gosh, he HURT himself in order to control himself. They wouldn’t understand that there was no other way out. The would sedate him again and put the crazy man into a cell with no sharp objects. With this realization memories of the 60s and specifically those that contained Lila were suddenly present again. He couldn’t do this. He needed to escape.   
Meanwhile his worried siblings sat down in the visitors room. “It would be the best if I just spat it out right? There was no accident. Our Diego, the snarky serious Number two tried to take his own life yesterday evening.” Allison gasped for air in shock and Vanya started crying lightly. “It seems like he’s been cutting himself for months. Ever since we’re back. It was quite a si-sight- *Klaus starts sobbing uncontrollably out of nowhere -his strong facade broke dramatically*” Ben, Allison and Vanya slowly hugged him, in order to comfort Klaus a bit. They talked, trying to figure out how to help their brother when suddenly a voice from behind said “I’m sorry I disappointed you.”  
Diego wanted to flee. He didn’t want to face all of this. He didn’t want to hurt them. It took him a bit, but eventually he stood up from his bed. He looked around, trying to find a way out. The window. After taking a look outside to check the distance from his room to the floor, he tried to gently open it and take a last breath, when out of nowhere he felt a cold hand on his shoulder. He looked around and there was no one. “Ben, I-I’m sorry, but we’ll meet on the o-other side o-okay?” Diego said into the room while Ben closed the window without his brother noticing. As he turned back to the window, he remembered his dead brother’s words. They didn’t want him to die. They cared about him. One step after another he slowly distanced himself from the window. He needed to see them. He needed them to forgive him. Without hesitation he had walked to the visitor’s room.   
“Oh no Diego don’t say your sorry for something that’s not your fault.” Vanya tried putting a reassuring hand on her brother’s shoulder, but he flinched away. “I was just trying to cope. I couldn’t save Eudora and caused Lila to hate me. God, a few seconds ago I was about to jump out of a window too weak to figure this out like a man. I’m such a pathetic mess. I was just trying to be better. To control the drowning. Now look at you pitying me like some kicked puppy. I feel so broken” His voice was slowly, deep and raspy. Diego pressed his palm against his tearing eyes. This was too much. His heart was racing. He felt like fainting, but as his knees buckled two trunk like arms from behind scooped him up gently. Diego flinched lightly, even though he didn’t care much. “WE NEED HELP!!! A DOCTOR FAST!! MY BROTHER FAINTED” it was Luther’s strong voice. “I’m NOT a damse-dam-damsel in dis-tr-tress, P-put me d-dow-do-” he was too weak to fight his huge brother’s hold. “Good you’re breathing. WE ARE IN A HOSPITAL AND THERE IS NO DOCTOR ANYWHERE!” A nurse approached “please stop screaming Mr! Your brother’s just a bit tired, but feel free to leave if you’re not happy with your service, the other patients are actually sick and not crazy. I’m not sure if you noticed, but your brother is a bit *crazy gesture*” “How dare you! We’re leaving NOW!!!” Allison grabbed her jacket angrily and gestured to her siblings. Just as they were about to enter the elevator a prepubescent boy suddenly appeared behind them. “This better be important! I was supposed to be training tod-” he broke off when he saw Diego in Luther’s arms. He was wearing nothing but a pair of bloody sweatpants. It didn’t took Five another glance to figure out what had happened, due to the hundreds of cuts and roughly healed wounds overlapping white scar tissue. His brother’s eyes, that were surrounded by a light purple and pretty puffy from all the crying, opened and closed lightly every few seconds, as Five joined his siblings into the elevator, without saying another word. “How bad is it old man?” Luther’s voice sounded deep and thick, but also on the verge of tears. “Uhm... Stupid question, obnoxiously bad. Also it’s 37,46 degrees Fahrenheit out there! Maybe you should-” “alright little weisenheimer, this is not the attitude we need right now, okay?” Klaus sounded worried and incredibly tired as he pulled off his pink striped puffy jacket to blanket his brother. After pulling back a bit of Diego’s long and oily hair he stood back, with a tear dripping down his already tear stained face. As the elevator pinged they all hurried to Vanya’s car. The silence felt both intended and saddening. Even though Five was used to knowing the answer to everything a single question remained unanswered: Why? Allison drove. They decided on bringing him to their mother, since Diego always seemed a bit calmer in her presence, plus the perfect medical attention he would get. They only hoped not to accidentally pass Lila, which would lead to an unforeseeable confrontation. Luckily everything went smoothly, so that Diego could be taken care of in his own room. After checking on him and putting a new IV into a part on his arm with lesser cuts, Grace finally murmured something: “my poor boy. You’re in so much pain dearest, I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” Her hand ran over his sharp cheekbone. Then she turned to the other’s, that had been standing awkwardly around the bed. “He will need some time to come back to force physically, but psychologically he will need you. He needs to be convinced, that he matters to us. We all haven’t been there for him.” The usually so neat smile on the robot’s face was nowhere to be found. All of their eyes were fixed on their brother. It took a few moments before Luther decided to step forward and pull the blanket over Diego’s shoulders to warm him. “I will stay here children. You all deserve alone time to process the late events.” Grace stated. Five disappeared into his room immediately, Klaus nodded to an empty space, to Ben, before lightly kissing his brother’s forehead and leaving, followed by Allison who felt the need to make sure, that at least this brother was coping with this in a healthy way, while Vanya brushed over Diego’s cold hand as if to say goodbye, closely followed by Luther. As number seven slowly walked out of the room, steeping into the kitchen, lost in thought she only noticed her after feeling a light pressing sensation on her shoulder. Lila. She couldn’t know. He would freak out even more. God, she would’ve never agreed to help her if she only had known what this woman did to her brother. A deep hate started rising in her chest. “Oi! I’m talking to you skinny girl! What’s going on? Why is everyone so depressingly sad?” She asked while biting into an old looking slice of bread. “Your feeling better? What about you leave now?” Vanya snapped back. “Alright, alright calm down! Calm down violin chick.” With that Lila left, seemingly walking into the nurse room, where she had passed the past few days. The last few days after being stabbed they all took well care of her. They only briefly questioned anything. Like a family she never really had. Lila had never felt so wanted, but suddenly they were all very distancing. Telling her to back off through body language. A sharp pain in her stomach let the trance break. Then the realization hit her, the only sibling that wasn’t there: Diego. Ambitiously she stood up her heart inflaming in the memory of his kisses, while she smuggled herself to the front of her former lover’s door. She could smell him now. God, how she misses that smell. Lila’s thoughts regarding Diego swirled around until only seconds later she smelled something else. Dried blood. Has he been hurt? Her body pressed inside the wall right next to the door, she could hear Grace. She was singing?! What the heck. Lila really needed to know what was going on. She decided on waiting until Grace left him alone. Surprisingly it took only two and a half hours of waiting until the robot tiredly marched to her charger station. Was that a tear on her perfect skin? Couldn’t be. Just as she was out of sight Lila silently opened the door and sneaked inside. The light was dimmed, but she could immediately make out Diego’s facial features. It was practically impossible to miss the pain written all over his face. His cheekbones were more pronounced than she was used to, while his closed eyes were lightly red and puffy, surrounded by horrendously dark eye bags. He was covered in a blanket to his neck. Still in shock and overwhelmed by the feeling of attraction she felt towards him,Lila approached him. Unconsciously her light hand ran through his hair, while she whispered: “I’m sorry.”. Deep down in her heart she somehow knew that he looked so hurt and tired because of her. After all she left him. She never cried, she was tough and good at making the people around her cry, but this was different. A tear dripped down the edge of the sharp edge of her face as she pressed her lips against Diego’s sweaty forehead. Studying his face from nothing but a two inch distance, they nearly shared a breath, even though his breathing sounded as if it would hurt. Suddenly his black eyes widened and he flinched back. He sat straight up to gain a bit more distance, not realizing, how his blanket revealed everything he absolutely didn’t want this specific person that was now in front of him, to see. Lila too took a step back at the sight. Hundreds of more or less healed cuts were covering his lower and upper arms, his torso, right were his more than usually pronounced ribs were, now moving up and down quickly, down to his hips. The crimson lines were standing out a bit, due to the irritation of the skin and crossed each other. The newest, also seemed to be de largest ones. Then she saw it. As if this wasn’t bad enough already her dark eyes spotted the long stitched wound on his lower arm. Lila was in absolute shock. Diego was in absolute panic, hurriedly pulling the blanket back over, trying to cover himself up, unsuccessfully. He refused to meet her eyes and it took a few minutes until Lila had gathered enough strength to speak up: “I did this, didn’t I?” she sounded hurt. “Lila uhm, *attempt to clear his throat* what exactly.” The question was stupid, he just didn’t want to talk about this right away. After all the light was dimmed, maybe not even enough for her eyes to see it- “I shouldn’t have left” Lila stated lost in thought. He wanted to take is own life. “Nono-n-no it’s mi-mine. You left because of me. I realized that now. Look at how pathetic I am, cutting myself to feel something, to make me numb, to stop the emotions.” The last bit was whispered. “I-I-I...” Lila was speechless. Diego turned his head and their eyes met. His looked so dull and lifeless. “I-” she started again “I missed you.” A tear escaped Diego’s eye, he wiped it away panicky. “I missed you too. I’m s-sorry” his voice was deep and hoarse. “No! Don’t even think about me leaving being your fault. I thought you hated me after...” “after you handed me over to your evil mom, aka the villain of this story, aka the Handler. *hurt chuckle*. I was so weak, I deserved this.” “Stop, Diego! I used you! I hurt you, because I didn’t know what to do. She ordered me to kill you, but I couldn’t. I love you” tears were rolling down her face as she buried it in her hands. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. Oh god, wh-why am I like this, oh god” his breathing quickened even more. Unconsciously he ran his fingers over his arm and ribs. As Lila noticed his gasping she didn’t really know what to do at first. Her heart told her to hug him. To hold him. To keep him from vanishing. To keep him right here. So she did. He lightly hugged her back. Diego calmed down a bit. “This is gonna sound supremely cheesy, but we’re gonna get through this together. I’m never leaving you ever again, I love you dumb ass, I bloody love you” “I love you too”. 

He listened to her words. He listen and for the first time in years, he believed them. He believed that Lila and his siblings cared. He believed that they loved him, just as much as he loved them. He agreed to get better. For them. The temptation to fall back, to cope with all this the way that he used to, was large and probably unbearable to resist if they weren’t right beside him. Supporting him in his weakest and strongest times. He wasn’t alone anymore.

In case you suffer too, do not hesitate. This life is not yours. It belongs to the people around you. The people who love you. Recovery is hard, I know, but it's woth it. Just keep fighting darling, just keep fighting!

[Lifeline (suicidepreventionlifeline.org)](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)

or just text me on instagram: sherlock.violoncello

**Author's Note:**

> I update my work here and then, but you can be sure that there will be more to read in a few hours 😊 Also: I tend to write a lot and therefore there may be some faults I missed when I reread it. I would like to kindly apologize for that. Last but not least I would love to discuss my work with people who enjoyed it or just generally get some feedback. If you would like to tell me what you think you can text me on instagram: sherlock.violoncello , but I am also willing to provide an open ear in case you need one 😌✨.


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